Listen here
We’s back in the saddle with a new podcast.
The rumors are true - Zillafag and Joe G. are dating. Complete opposites, taking it slowly, liking each other all thanks to Kentie from the Floutus Show (I mean, Flatus Show).
In that vein I search out some dating tips because I haven’t dated in a LONG time.
Then we hear some music (”LA Nightmare”) from Point 22 - fave band of the Zillafag.
Then let’s end things with some passages from the Book of Mormon. Why not?
Leave your own dating tips and advice for Joe G. in the comments section at boredbeyondbelief.wordpress.com. Please?
er…. what’s all this no kissing nonsense in that link? Sheesh!!
My advice. Be yourself. Be nice. Brush your teeth. Ignore those other ridiculous rules
Dearest Fratello (Joe G. or whatever the hell you’re calling yourself this time),
I just listened to your newest podcast (#22) and I have some grave concerns about the Dating Tips mentioned. I have outlined my concerns below.
1. NEVER and I mean never tell your date to “spend time on your knees” before picking you up. I tried this once with a girl named Liz and she showed up five hours late with some guy named LaSean. He was a 7 foot linebacker with a 14 inch … well, I don’t have to spell this out for you. Just don’t do it.
2. “Dress nicely, comb your hair, brush your teeth, wear deodorant, clean up your vehicle inside and out, and always bring along your sense of humor.” - Trust me. Nobody who does all these things everyday has a sense of humor. BTW, they’re not getting much sex either. I live in a neighborhood where every house and lawn is perfect except for mine. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT GETTING LAID!!! That’s why everything in their material existence if perfect.
3. “Choose to keep your relationship on a friendship level.” I might add here if you CAN keep your relationship on a friendship level, get the hell out of there. You might as well join a bowling team at that point.
4. “Until you are married the person you are dating could be someone else’s future mate.” Nowadays, it’s quite likely that your married spouse WILL BE SOMEONE ELSE’S MATE and they’ll probably ask you to photograph them! Remember, the Bible is 2000 years old. The people who wrote it have never had a cappuccino and none of them ever owned an iPod. WHAT could they possibly know?
5. “The longer you can remain just friends the better your relationship will be … it’s great being married to your best friend.” There is absolutely no truth to the first half of this silly sentence. In fact, just the opposite is true. You need a lover with whom it is impossible to ‘remain just friends.’ That’s the definition of a lover!
As always I love you and adore your podcasts and am glad you met Sir Zillafag (I knighted him). Keep up the honorable life.
Love,
Luigi
You and zillafag??? Wow that’s fantastic. But my god! He’s a hockey fag. He’s almost a lesbian. Is this really what you want? It’s a slippery slope to u-haul land and co-dependency.
Dating tips? From a lesbian to a geek homo? Let’s see…walk along a boardwalk - get to know each other and ask questions that get him to open up to you in the crisp cool breezes of spring.
Take in exotic dinners. Tatami rooms in expensive Japanese restaurants. Go to places that famous rich homosexuals go to and discuss what your lives will be like when you too will be two of those famous rich queers. Well - famous at least.
Visit an arcade and play Dance Dance Revolution. Or challenge each other in the virtual racing cars.
Sit in cafes and sip cafe au laits and cappucinos for hours in the spring sun commenting on what the lives of the passerbys might be like.
Watch videos together on rainy Saturday afternoons. With popcorn.
See? It’s easy. And I haven’t dated in over a decade - but Special K and I still do all these things.
Have fun. That’s the main thing.
I’m old fashion; I prefer to spend time on my knees at the end of the date instead of before the date.
Don’t forget to ask god to confirm through prayer that Zilla is the one for you. Maybe you guys could be prayer buddies in Exodus. It seemed to work for the founders.
Holy cow, Zillaman - look at all of the comments already!
Auntie Doris,
I had a feeling you’d get through all of the silly “Christian” nonsense and clarify what was really important. Thanks for the advice and for listening. I love it!
mio fratello,
You are too funny especially about the Liz! And you’re absolutely right - the only people I could always keep as a friend were women.
Thanks for listening and commenting. I love you!
Ninja,
If Zillafag ever shows up at my apartment with a U-Haul, I’ll then know that I’m dating a lesbian and not a gay man. Thanks for the heads-up! Ha! I like your suggestions, too. Good ideas!
Alex,
One of your appeals is that you are so old-fashioned.
Kalvin,
Thank you for stopping by, commenting and listening. Both Zilla and I had our times in fundamentalist christian churches, but I’m not sure if he ever did the “ex” thing. I’ll ask. Then he and I can start praying together. Another good idea!
I am very old fashion ..dating tips ..he must make quite a bit of money ..i can do bad alone ..he must totally kiss my butt!! When I say jump ..he must say how high!! Money ..there goes that word again ..and he must totally love me !!! No kissing on the first date ..just kidding ..sighn the jewish american princess ..love you ..Good luck ..hope I made you laugh ..P.S. Anyone that dates my uncle should be honored ..he is the best!!
Susan,
You are too funny. Why I am NOT surprised at your criteria!
Yes, you made me laugh.
And thanks for your lovely words - love you, too!
Joe, this David must have cast some spell on you. I mean you have been so resistant to the whole dating and coupling thing for so long. I remember that steamy summer in LA when we first met for reals and how strange I thought it was when you repelled my advances. Granted I did not brush my teeth or use deodorant at the time and the heat hindered cuddling, but still, weird that you acted like you didn’t want me. I have since realized it had to do with your low self-esteem and how you felt that I was way out of your league, which was true, but I can humble myself for a fellow Italian from NY hungry for man love.
Anyway, best of luck, I must tell Marvin that you are approaching dating with all the earnestness of an Evangelical school girl taking “the pledge” (and I don’t mean to the flag).
My dearest Peterson,
How often have I told you to take the medicine that the doctors told you that you should take? When you take your pills you don’t come up with such wild imaginings.
“…hungry for man love”? Oh, man! I forgive you one more time.
Well, thanks for your good wishes - I’d love to hear from Marvin any dating tips he might have.
Eww kiss a man..Yuck!
Where is all the vagina eating?
Oh wait…duh I am a homo!
Man this print is small I hope it is typing what I am typing…Oh my datin tip is have fun!
kisses, hugs, licks and gropes!!
You need glasses Sir Zillafag…not that I mean that you’re getting old…
Kisses, hugs, licks, and gropes back, you pervert!
Gays are allowed to date? So the laws only extend to marriage?? Damn, I wish someone had told me.
I can’t think of any tips beyond the “Moron Wisdom,” but thanks for introducing me to a whole new world. geez, i thought were only allowed to cruise.
(funny stuff Joe :))
paul,
the gays can date! The gays can date! And then the sky falls down on all of us!
Thanks for listening and stopping by, too.
I have to admit I hadn’t realised gays ‘dated’. All the ones I know throw themselves at fellow gays hook, line and sinker. Next thing I know they are coupled up, living in domestic bliss (ha ha!), fighting like bitches and giving other blokes the eye (and a bit more very often).
Dating. How sweet.
Yes, Auntie, the gays do date.
I wonder if what you describe is more apt to happen with the younger sort…?
Or, possibly, the dating I’m doing now has a lot more to do with being older and allowing things to move as slow as they need to. I think that’s one of the advantages of being and getting older - at least for me.
Maybe I should just lwt them know that life gets better then
Although as they are all having age crises at the moment it might not help them much!
Ha! I’m not sure life gets better: I think it’s just a better attitude.
Thank you Yoda
Well, I guess this podcast or should I say these so-called dating tips have left me speechless! My advice would be to toss them in the garbage. Instincts work much better. Good luck.
Auntie Doris,
Ha! Never been likened to Yoda. Nice compliment, it is.
Judy,
I’m so happy to read that you were left speechless. I had problems just reading it without laughing outloud. I’m going with the instincts option that you mention! Thanks for listening, sister.
So Joe G and Zillafag are dating! This is all very Madonna in Truth or Dare; I hope this isn’t just a stunt to boost your ratings because I really don’t want to be reading about your messy breakup on the front page of The Star. And it was very cute to ‘cast your first date but please please please refrain from podcasting the first time you “pray together”, okay?
Oh, don’t worry Brian - no more personal recordings of prayer meetings (although we might do that for the right price - or maybe not…).
You know I love it when you listen to the podcast!
This truly cracked me up
I just remembered why, when asked whether i wanted to become an active member of my Catholic church in Verona or not, I stated I would have preferred to travel - and I did travel! And it was fun!
Moreover, I am sure the priest would have had some issues accepting the fact I dated a girl for quite a while.
(My mom is actually an hardcore catholic woman, but she can’t speak English so no big deal)
The Christian dating tips are not to be underestimated though!
I mean, the ‘wear deodorant’ and ‘brush teeth’ parts are important!!
Mio consiglio (in italiano, privato ;P) per una relazione sana e stabile รจ… pazienza. Lascia lo stress al lavoro e mostra la parte migliore di te al tuo compagno - in fondo non merita che il meglio no?
I will miss you this Friday!!
Wow, another comment from my Italian tutor! Beneissimo!
I’m glad you enjoyed the dating tips, which are a good example of some of the thinking amongst American Christian fundamentalists.
E grazie per il tuo consiglio: provo a mostrare la parte migliore di me per il mio raggazzo.
Ma questa e’ piu’ difficile che non! Ha, ha!
Ci vediamo la prossima settimana!